Mama, We Need to Talk

Throughout my many years on this planet I have had my fair share of run-ins with creepy crawly things and other...creatures. I’ve probably had a few other people's share of that as well. They really seem to like me. And that’s super sweet of them, and I’m kind of flattered (ok, not really) but they need to understand and accept that I don’t want to become friends. I have my space and they have their space…far far away from me. In fact, I feel like Mother Nature and I need to sit down and have a nice long conversation about this. I totally understand the desire for your children to make friends - wanting them to go out into the world and connect with others. I'm a mom...I get it. But some things are just not ok.

So mama, let's chat...

Spiders freak me out. I don't know which ones are poisonous and which ones aren't so I'd just prefer to keep my distance from all of them. Plus, some of them run right at you and that's not cool. So, spiders...that's a hard no for me. I don't care if they're the size of a dime or like 6 inches - not ok. But especially the big ones. When they get really big, they start to look like the face-hugger thing from Aliens and that is traumatizing. And you know what else is traumatizing? When they run up my arm in the middle of the night while I'm trying to sleep. So no spiders. Keep them away.

Snakes are a super no. Why don't they have legs? That's so weird. (Although, if they did have legs that might be worse...) And again, I don't know which ones are venomous or not...is it going to bite me or just go on it's way? I don't know so I like to keep my distance. Nine inch garden snake in my backyard...I'm going to pass on that. The 13-foot python behind my house? Yeah that was just unacceptable. And super rude, if you don't mind me saying.

The 400-pound bear at my back door....that really crossed a line. 

Millipedes? Gross. Locust? Gross. Those massive grasshoppers (and you know which ones I'm talking about)? So gross. The wasp in my car? Seriously? Not ok. 

Let all of these things go make friends with someone else. I'm 100% sure there are people out there who are willing to make friends with them but I am most definitely not one of them. Keep them away.

You know what you can bring me? Butterflies. I love butterflies. Lizards are kind of cool. (I think.) Turtles are amazing! Ground squirrels...caterpillars...deer (as long as they stop running out in front of my car)...hedgehogs (so cute!!)... The list is really long but it's basically the cute ones that won't try to kill me.

So, from now on, let's just keep it nice and friendly over here, ok? I'd super appreciate it.

Back?? Again?? For Serious??

Who says you can never go home? Well, not me. I go home every chance I get. The weather there is nuts but family is amazing. Who wouldn't want to go visit?

To be fair, this isn't exactly home. Blogging and I have had an on-again, off-again relationship for years. We go together like...well, I don't know what. It's 5:30 in the morning and it's way too early for analogies. I don't even know why I'm awake right now. I am though. I'm awake. I'm here. And I'm arguing with my cat over his need to sleep on my laptop. 

((I love sleep so much!! Why does it hate me??))

Anyway. I thought blogging and I would give it another try. Let's face it - some of the things that happen around here are a little insane. And over the years, I've been told umpteen times that there needs to be a reality show of my life so people can witness what happens in this house. But let's be clear: that's never happening. I like to pick and choose the crazy I share with the world. Some things are just better kept between me and whoever happens to be sharing in this madness....and I'm really ok with that.

I can't promise I'll post all the time because, let's face it - memory isn't my greatest strength. Sometimes I pick up my phone to do a thing and by the time it does the face unlocking nonsense, I've already forgotten what I was going to do. It happens. But I'll give this a shot and we'll see what kind of crazy I can tell you all about. And at the very least you can laugh and go "oh, I'm so glad that wasn't me!" (I'm ok with that too.)